Chup Hai

In do labzo main ek aashiq ki kahani bata raha hoon......

Aankhein jo bin bole hi haal-e-dil baiyaan kar deti thi,

Aaj woh tere ashqko main chup hai....

Khwaab jinka aagaaz aur anzaam teri marzi thi,

Aaj woh tere saath k bina chup hai.....

Har din chup hai,har shaam chup hai,

teri yaad main haath ka jaam chup hai......

Kal tak jin labo par din raat tera naam tha,

Aaj woh lab sab keh kar bhi chup hai......

Saanson mein ghul kar teri jo yaad aati hai,

dil k dar par jo teri aahatein hoti hai,

Aaj sab meri bebasi par chup hai.....

Tu bhi chup hai,main bhi chup hoon,

Is kasmaksh main waqt bhi chup hai,

Socha maang loon dua main,

Par aaj to khuda bhi chup hai......

Kehte hai log deewana hai,aashiq hai,

is sachai par aaj mere alfaaz bhi chup hai....

Tere laabon ki mushkurahat,mere dil ki betabiyaan,

Mere jazbaat sab,bechain raat ki karwat main chup hai....

Tanhayi main dil chup hai,

Is khamoshi main meri khushi chup hai,

Tere ishq main meri zindagi chup hai......

Future sneaked....

It took me sometime to find this place.So calm so beautiful,Nature being at it's best.Snow covered peaks with dint of green trees,cold breeze providing the best care with it's harshness. Now comes the moment to look down to what i have being waiting for months...the deep blue lake thousand of feet down...my god it's marvelous. Who would have been a fool enough not to open his arms and lift his chin up, take a deep breath and not wished to fall!!!

But i controlled my heart,not that i have given up the idea i came with,the urge was even more stronger than ever before,but my aching old bones needed some time,n why not i was above 70 now and it took my great effort to come here.I took out a water bottle from my bag and took a sip of it and hoped that i had not being stupid enough to leave a clue of where i have headed.Just one more rain-check as the old mind has it's whims.I have burnt all the print-outs from the net,booked tickets from a different travel agent,left my cell phone and never babbled to anyone about this place.

It's not that i have been inconsiderate enough to leave them uninformed,in fact i have written letters for everyone who meant something to me,but it's just that they are scheduled to be delivered 2 days later.Some of my loved ones are dead, some still facing the cruelties of life and some happily living.I have already made my will, divided my things to people as they deserved.Properly arranged all the my insurance papers,business papers and anything that would have been of any importance to anyone.

I don't want to waste any more time,i just need to pack all my precious stuff in an envelope which already has the address of my home.I start putting my watch,my rings into it.As i was about to put my wallet i felt a need to open it once.It had the picture of my sweetheart,she was long gone leaving me alone,but the time healed all wounds.Time is a wonderful healer I took a deep sigh and quickly closed my wallet and packed it into the envelope and sealed it.

Went to the edge of the rocky cliff and once again saw the lake, it rejuvenated me.I don't know what the people will think of me when they come to know about this incident but of what i m sure of is that i want this.Would they consider my weak or freak.who cares i don't give a damn.It's not that i m depressed or unhappy.I have lived my life to the fullest and still living it with joy.It's just that it's my life and i don't want to feel the helplessness of being old,and those who say that it's also the phase to enjoy, i don't believe them. I can't live with everyday of my being a pathetic charade.And those who will like to make me feel guilt by telling that it's god that gives or take life...man give me a break...look around you...you will see many gods around.I have intense faith in Lord shiva and that's something that made me visit banaras last month,but my faith has nothing to do with my decision.I don't want to die tragic or sudden death by an accident or disease and also as i m passionate of heights and to free fall was something i always fantasized then why not mix them both and follow ur heart.I always wanted to fly like an eagle in the blue sky breaking away all the shackles.

Time has come but not till i finish the last ritual...my last cigarette and last shot of vodka...I would like to raise a toast for myself,for living these many years...for the moments cherished and me ....just me....,for my obsessions, for my passion, for my honour, for my principles, for my stupidity ,for my idioticism , for everything i gained and everything i lost, for me the way i was.The vodka was soon in and last puff of cigarette done.I was standing on the cliff looking straight.

Now i look down,it's too deep man!!!,i can feel the adrenaline rush in my blood,the body turns cold as the blood flows through the veins,the breaths turns shorter,a silence prevails,the only thing i can hear are my heartbeats and that to too loud.I try to jump but don't feel the strength to even lift me up in the air,laughs comes from within did i just chickened out...na re...ek baar soch liya to apni bhi nahi sunta...I open my arms,take a real deep breath and try to walk till my foot fails to meet the ground.

I can feel the gravity, believe me i was as happy as newton would have been when he discovered it.Life starts flashing back from childhood memories my park my first home, my school, my college, her face ,all repeating quickly.I can see the distance decreasing really fast.In few seconds i will hit the ground,with this velocity the water will rip my body apart,the fall will soon end, but i have felt wat i always wanted to feel ...fly like an eagle...there is a smile on my face a big one and then everything ends................

khush hoon

Zindagi hai chhoti

har pal main khush hu,

office main khush hu,

ghar par khush hu,

koi bahut ziddi hai,

uski is ada par khush hoon

sar par mahal nahi,

girti diwaro k aanchal main khush hoon,

Aaj dosto ka saath nahi ,facebook

kar k khush hoon,

Koi naraz hai mujhse,

uske is nakhre par khush hoon,

jisko chahata hoon,

uski bewafai par khush hoon,

haqiqat se darr lagta hai,

khawaab main hi khush hoon,

jiske saath nahi hoon,

uski judai main khush hoon,

kismat se jeet nahi sakta,

usse lad kar ki khush hoon,

zindagi meherbaan nahi,

uski nazarandaazi par khush hoon,

jiske liye rota hoon,

uski mushkurahat par khush hoon,

jisko paa nahi nahi sakta,

uski yaad me hi khush hoon,

khuda par bharosa hai,

uski aazmaish main hi khush hoon,

bheed ka hissa nahi,

akele hi khush hoon,

duniya jhoothi hai,

par apni sachai par khush hoon,

Girta hoon,sambhalta hoon,

isi tarah seekhne main khush hoon,

beeta hua kal ja chuka hai,uski

meethi yaadein hai unme hi khush hoon,

Aane wale pal ka pata nahi,sapno

main hi khush hoon,

Aacha laga to comment karna,

warna aise hi khush hoon......

Reflection!!!

Both of them love me, they have been my friends since i was born, they learned as i learned ,their knowledge grew as mine grew, but soon their ways parted. I am talking of two of my friends who have always been with me in happiness,joys,laughter,sorrows,pain and loneliness.I am talking of the angel and devil in me. Whenever i look at the mirror i see reflections of 3 persons, one of me & two miniatures of me .... one wearing a white dress with halo over his head and other in full black with horns.

They both love me and want good of me, but their ways are so different , the devil protects me from getting hurt but makes me a bit selfish ,thus bringing a sense of guilty, the angel on the other hand makes me more vulnerable but brings a sense of happiness. Angel wants me to follow the principles and devil makes me manipulate them. They are always at continuous war in me.

During my childhood angel had a dominance keeping the devil suppressed, but now the devil is resuming his power quite smartly. What kept angel strong during my childhood ? The only answer i get is the "guilt feeling", the devil is now working on getting this feeling out of me. May be angel fought too much to reveal his art of war to devil. Devil knows 'it's never the sins or wrongs that kills or punishes you it's always your conscience that does the work'. The devil is making my conscience clear in every decision i take. An example of extreme state of clear conscience are terrorists ... they have no guilt feeling in killing someone which makes killing an easy process.

I don't know what would happen if the devil becomes dominant. Earlier they both used to argue at the same time and i had to choose between them, but now they have changed their tactics. Angel comes in the morning when my mind is clear of all the thoughts and the devil appears at night when i am a little tired and can easily fall for something and they try to convince me with their views. Man!! i have started to hate them, they irritate me, i just want them to leave ... i don't want black ...neither do i want white i just want other colours. I decide something in the morning and decide something else at night. I just hope either both of them leave me alone or one of them resumes the power soon............

Life @IT-BHU

So..., soon we would be leaving BHU ,it has been a great life so far,enjoyed each n every moment @BHU , now the thought of leaving it makes me sulk into sadness, the heart has started behaving like a child who gets lured by the candy offered by his father to go out with him but he still doesn't want to leave his mother,these are the contradictory feelings of sadness for leaving the campus n excitement of starting a professional life which lures u with financial and self independence.It's not gonna be too hard a task as approx. 20 of us( n some of my gud frnds) would be moving to NCR,and i m really looking forward to it.It's got to be pretty exciting but there r some parts which are really gonna be missing and couldn't be found elsewhere.The comforting aura of the campus (i once even slept on the benches of LC at night :)), careless attitude(you don't want to go to class or lab..koi nahi proxy lag jayegi,"yaar 25 din se ek hi
jeans pehen raha hoon","3 weeks se shave nahi ki","4 months se haircut nahi hue",to me even wearing shoes now seems to be a demanding job,just walk into slippers anywhere u want),simplicity(life seems to be sophisticated in future), the exciting cricket matches(the most to be missed) n driving activa on the 3rd lane of BHU in heavy rain just to enjoy coffee at nescafe,chai-samosa at LC,chai-toast at gowdolia,"paan" at ravidas gate,saturdays parties @CB,dance n daaru parties,spending hours at ghats discussing girls , career, girls, exams, girls, cricket n again girls, the soothing air n calm water of the ganges has often provided solace to agitated soul,the Dev-Diwali of Varanasi(it's incredible, the beauty of ghats is irresistible,hope i any how do visit it every year)the peaceful ambience of VT where u can pass hours sitting, bird watching at VT(... i don't think this is gonna be missed .... jahan char yaar mil jaye ...wahi
shuru kar denge yeh to ..).

I was total whimsical here( truth is i could afford to be), most exciting being the incident wen i left the bicycle i bought in 1st year(red coloured BSA SLR) into the stands of hostel n never went back to pick it ... i was not alone in this another great pesonality Rahul pandey did the same... there was even notice from the Director's office,but look at the attitude we even ignored him..no one gives us notice.......Next was to try the german classes ...n why...interested in german or for that sake of matter in any other foreign language..no..the only reason was that the german classes were to be held in art department BHU, so it would be a VIP pass for bird-watching but bad luck there wasn't even a single good looking bird to bind our attention to the class... n
hence the 2 years diploma course was successfully completed in 1 month 17 days,the only single sentence i could learn was "Ich liebe Dich"(i love u). Now it was the time to learn guitar...guitar sounds cool but have u ever played any musical instrument other than your pen cap before ... no but it doesn't matter like every 4th guy of IT i too tried learning guitar and the only thing i could learn was how to hold guitar n 1234..4321..i also got some knowledge of chords n difficulty level of guitar( My serious advice to all beginners try learning guitar only wen u r passionate). The only feather to my cap was to taking swimming lessons,this was something i did good,but it was quite embarrassing at the pool,small kids who were half my height n 1/4 of weight did better
than me...but i can proudly say that i can survive in water till the rescue team shows up n pulls me out.Even tried to hit the gym but could only make it for a day.


It was the first time i moved out of home.It has been like a second home to me.As was said in Forest Gump "life is a box of chocolates" ,BHU gave me the best chocolates from the box.It helped me tranform from a kid to a young man who can take responsibities,it changed me from a spoonfeeded child who didn't even go for buying his own clothes to someone who can now take his decisions,it made me realise the importance of friends n family in life..when we are far
from someone we realize his/her importance better, it taught me the value of smile wat ur smile means for ur loved ones,it taught me the value of friendship how some guys from cities all around india just become inseparable,it changed me from an introvert person who didn't like attending any weddings or functions or travelling out,to someone who now likes to party n just needs a sign to start adventures.Life has always been a hard master for me,but this time the hard master brought lovely gifts for every success. The lines of the song college days "I am really gonna miss this place, i gonna miss my college days", describes the emotional state of all the hostelers n mine too.Life at BHU has been quite significant to me...Last 3 years have been the best of my life.This beautiful n careless phase of life will soon end but it promises to bring more of them.
As once a poet said "In the sweetness of friendship let there be
laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed".

I just want to wish u all best of luck for ur future endeavours and May God bless u,and i want to apologize if by chance i ever hurt you....n thank you all for being a part of my life :)

My Will

I had a real bad dream yesterday, i saw myself being chased, hit by a truck on a bridge,falling in a river n then finally getting drowned(it seems that all form of death sentences are covered) so i woke up horrified only to realize it was 8 in the morning,had a sense of relief( reality is better only after a nightmare) and also it was saturday so i decided to bask in my bed again. But then a strange thought occupied me wat if i die today, there's nothing strange about it nobody is gonna live forever.Wat am i going to give this world back and the answer was "a lot", the world would not be deprived of the natural resources i would be wasting,and there would be one less person to increase pollution,corruption also population.So i am giving world really something back
but whats gonna happen to all my stuff. So i decide to make my will.

Starting with my Activa, i would like to bestow my 4-stroke,102cc,7 bhp Honda Activa to Abhishek, the fellow is always available if you need anything in varanasi, whole branch looks up to him for assistance in varanasi so i guess activa would be of great help to u.I got this Activa as my birthday gift in 11th n i hope u would do justice to it.

Then comes my laptop, i would like to give Ashwani the possession of my laptop, he still uses some computer dated back to biblical times, this computer of his which he refers to as "super" computer has 256 MB RAM, is unable to play HD print videos and god (n Ashwani) knows requires which different buttons to be pressed n some patting to get started. Ashwani i hope u can watch new HD trailors without any difficulty now.

The possession of my mobile goes to Nitin, though he has the most durable n robust(i may also use the term vintage) mobile set in branch,i m not sure wen did nokia stopped manufacturing this model.The battery of his mobile is kept in place with the help of some plastic. Nitin u can take my nokia 6670 set,and i have got it's battery replaced last year(or last to last year) wen BL-5c batteries were exploding. I got this phone as a gift for qualifying JEE so keep it
safe.

Now my Sony Camera n accessories goes to Saurabh Srivastava, Hero u can click as many pics as u want.The camera has 5x optical zoom n 10X digital zoom with HD video recording.There is something more i would like to give u, u have all my creams n face-wash ,so enjoy.

I have got a 5 litre Cool Jug, n i give Daga it's possession, though the cool jug has not been used for a long time, u would have to give it a thorough wash before using it. It would be of great assistance wen there is water shortage in Marudhar Exp( actually it's a passanger) after Bharatpur.

I would like to give my extra table i have got to Vinod Kumar Dauliya, so that he may easily organise CS in his room. Now u have to pester one person less while organising CS.

Vivek will have the possession of all my bedding. We had been room-mates for 2 years n i want to show some gratitude. I know you like rock hard bed but u may give it a try.

Anmol,u can have my bucket and mug ( if i get it back, somebody has taken but not returned), you would no longer have to look for an extra bucket wen u wash ur clothes after a month( or two may be).You can also have the purple colour t-shirt we bought for Goa as i m sure i m not gonna wear it anywhere except Goa.

Bajpai, u can have my Ray-ban glasses( yes it's not original,though it has ray-ban trademark at 6 places as on original,it's of glass not fibre n came with a case ..wat more u expect from Rs 120/- investment). I got it from Karol Bagh, delhi.I am sure these glasses will give you more dashing looks than the previous glasses you wore.

I have a set of artistic knives, i bought from mussourie and Rajmani can have it's possession. Although it quite dangerous to handle you those seeing your temperaments , but you seem to like them. So you can keep them.

I have got some Electronics items like bread-board,micro-controllers,optical sensors type of stuff and i would like Laxman and Jaini to have it's possession.I know u will get the most use of that stuff.

Rohit Verma you can have my trunk, and can use it as a table when the group parties or plays card.Now u don't have to cover ur bed with newspapers while eating.

Yogesh u have all my books. I know only you may do justice to them either by reading them or selling at half-prices at parade,kanpur.

Shivam n Sachin you have the possession of all the edibles things i leave after dying.Katta you have my laptop bag, Vaibhav u may have my simple college bag ( now you don't have to use ur bat-man bag any more).Surri n Bhatti you may keep the money u owe me(if you don't return till then).

Now comes the number of crazy-gang, Harshit u can have my personal diary( keep it to urself ONLY), devanshi u have the collage ( it's one of my best gift), Saurabh n Aditya u have my wrist watches( i love my watches), Ashu u can have my electric shaver which i haven't used once. Aarti,Vernika,Vaisahli,n Rajat u can divide watever i have in my BHU-SBI account (although it's not much but it's the only stuff left). All my jeans,t-shirts,jackets n shoes goes to
my brother Abhishek.

So here's my will, i know i haven't given u much but these r only things i have, so enjoy. I have one last wish u make, Please pour half my ashes in Ganges,Varanasi n half in the beaches of Goa.I just remembered some lines from bon jovi's song:

Each night I go to bed
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
No I ain't looking for forgiveness
But before I'm six foot deep
Lord,I got to ask a favor
And I'll hope you'll understand
'Cause I've lived life to the fullest
Let the boy die like a man.

P.S. This "will" is valid only till this semester as i may lose possession of some my things after this semester.And if death turns out to be a murder none of u will get anything.Everything should go to charity.